Posts Tagged 'spam'

The Spam Tin overflows in double bill calamity!

Today in The Spam Tin we have a 2-up special! Both Francois Veillon and Luisa Vangelder felt they really must tell me about the same hot offer.

It’s a super special day too in that the cheeky little winkle-pickers both sent me a lovely image featuring their proposition:


Tut, tut Luisa.














Francois, you naughty sprite!

Dear Francois and Luisa,

I fear you have both copied your work from some other unsuspecting spammer and passed it onto me as your own. As creativity goes it is the sloppiest work I’ve seen within the many hundreds of emails I’ve recieved, erm…today.

It’s not really an investment opportunity, more of an opportunity to spot the difference.

If you continue along this track I shall be forced to use my cane and beat seven shades of yesterday’s shit out of you.

Stern regards,

Justin Limbershake

Much ado about herbal express

Today Mohammed-Vakker writes:

  • Elongate the trouser snake into the monster python you’ve always deserved.
Thanks Mohammed, if nothing else you’ve given me a great idea for some characters in a medieval horror, sex romp.  Imagine the poster with me if you will…
“Elongate the Trouser Snake and Monster Python in ‘Carnival of The Forked Tongue’ – see it in glorious VHS!”
Mohammed you sure brought the mountain to my trousers.

Screw the NHS!

Today little Gerhard Carroll has kindly sent me an eye test!

Thanks Gerhard I needed that test, although I’m not sure that I passed as all I could make out in the bleary haze was something about you preaching “yesterday’s shit”????

Try harder.  F-

Atlantic City Spam

Today casino lovin’ Madge Light otherwise known as “Lady Flaps” kindly informs us:

  • I have the Loosest Slots in the Midwest! 
Is it just me or was there an echo in that sentence?

Super Skinny Spamtinny!

A quickie today that comes from little Deja, who writes:

  • I lost weight so fast with PHENTERMINE. This stuff really works, and helps you through hunger. Now I can look like Nicole Richie.

Dear Deja,

Thank you for your offer and I appreciate your concern but… Nicole Richie?  Who the hell wants to look like that scrawny, malnutritioned bitch?

Kindest regards,

Lonnie Lard

From Russia with Love


Today’s helping from The Spam Tin features some extra-curricular over indulgence in the form of hopeful Russian bride-to-be Ebba.

The following email was kindly passed onto me by her “friend” Suzanne Coker.

As usual the following email includes my own reply to Ebba, which I hope to be the first of many as our romance unfolds like a beautiful flower.



  • Hello from a pretty single girlie!!!!

Hello from a dashing, English gentleman.

  • I was searching the net and came across your profile
I hope you didn’t leave a stain…
  • I am 26, I like to meet new people and i like travelling a lot! I live in Russian Federation but I`m going to travel overseas for work soon!

I am 52, I like to meet new people too.  I’m not much of a traveller but I like my mind to wander and dream of what might cum.  I do enjoy a little “roaming” though.

  • I just don’t know where to begin..  I am attaching a picture of me.
Thank you but sadly the digital artifacts in the picture make it difficult to see your face properly but if I cross my eyes and stare really intensely I can see an image of dolphins!  It’s really beautiful.
  • You will make my day if you like the picture and decide to reply back to me.
I consider it an honour you contacted me in the first instance, so I kindly repay this privilege by replying to you… even though staring at the dolphins has made my lazy eye jitter and spasm like an ewok on acid.
  • I feel very lonely at times and i am looking for a man who can bring me to the new emotions! 
Here’s one for you:       ;-o
  • Reply and I will send you more photoes of me!!! 
Are photoes part of the potato family?  If so you may be interested in a photoe of my King Edward which is joined in a happy union with my family member.  I prefer a King Edward to a Prince Albert as I find the starch heals the wounds far quicker.
  • My hear is beginning to beat much faster because I am getting impatient waiting for your reply!
  • I am writing this from my friends email address, so make sure you do not reply directly to this email directly. Email me at: only. Because if you don’t use my personal email address then I won’t be able to read your reply and write back to you as I won’t be visiting my friend whos address I am currently using to write you this. It is very important that you get it right. 
I find this very complicated indeed as I am a little slow but I ran it past my man servant whom confirmed that if I didn’t reply back to you then you would not indeed be able to read my reply and then reply back to me so I can read your reply and then respond accordingly.
  • Hope to hear from you as soon as possible. Can’t wait to see your reply. 
I too am moist at the prospect.
Love and hugs,
Jimmy Changga

The Return of Tom Silva!

Hot from my mailbox is this little nugget from my dear old mate Tom Silva. He took the bait from last Wednesday and has at least responded but unfortunately not quite in the manner that I’d hoped for. It’s all a little bit too generic you see. I shall endeavor to evoke a better response this time.

Take two:

  • Dear Friend,

    Thanks for your response to my email and your assurance that i can rely on you.

Tom. For you, anything. I feel we have now moved on to the brotherly stage and I know that it won’t be long before I can nurture you with my financial teat.

  • Please i will want you to understand my situation better, for now to say it in the short form it has been a very bitter tale, from the death of my father to the maltreatment i have been receiving from my relatives who have been envious of my parents because they were not well-to-do as my parents were, for that reason they are hostile at me.

Jealousy is at the root of all hostility. I never allow my roots to show and using techniques that are “just for men” I can keep them that way!

  • I am entrusting the only left hope into your care, the rest of my parents properties have been taken by my wicked uncle who is even seeking my life. My father put the money in a portfolio which is kept in a finance trust for safety this is my joy and reason to be alive since you can understand the life here is very hard.

I had a wicked uncle once who kept me locked in a tower until I had spun him a yarn of infinite testosterone. He hurt me deepr than you can imagine.

  • Before i give you details of the portfolio and the finance trust i will want to know more about you if you do not mind. Kindly tell me, what you do for a living, about your family, if you are married and how many children have you? This is just to know you better.

As I explained in my mail last week I own and operate many businesses, which I run under the cover of my day job which sees me packing fudge for Cadbury’s. I have been married 3 times and I love all my wives very much. We all live together in a lovely big bungalow happily practicing the art of polygamy. Between us we have 11 children, many of which have an above average IQ. Willfred is probably the most special child due to his extremely happy nature which is surprising as he has a excessive amount of extra nipples located on his inner thigh. We love him just the same.

  • Well to give you more details i will first like to let you know that i have planned coming over to your country to settle down with this money for investment and as well further my education. The money right now as i write to you is in the finance trust where my father deposited it before his death. I am an orphan so i would want you to stand as guardian to safely get the portfolio claimed from the finance trust then after the portfolio has been claimed make arrangement for me to come over to meet you. The reason i need your help is because of the agreement my father had with the finance trust which is that the portfolio should be released to a foreigner as he planned using it for investment abroad, so i am not able to claim the portfolio without your assistant.

My assistant, Mr. Jingles is available for an extra fee. I can contact him if you like, maybe we could have a conference call together?

  • Kindly call me on the telephone +22508846869 so that we can discuss more, it is important that you call me upon receiving this mail.

I hear your urgency and I tried ringing the number a couple of times but unfortunately all I got was the speaking clock and the second time I tried I could smell a strong day-old deposit which made me feel rather queasy I’m afraid so I gave up.

Tom, I feel your urgency but I must tell you my time on this world is drawing to an end and if I do not help you soon I really do think it will all be in vain.

Help me to help you.


Billy Bigelow


Medical Doctor Database in the US

Today’s helping of spam was delivered by the unashamed quill of Vivian Masterson.  She writes:


  • Here’s what we’re offering for this week: Board Certified Medical Doctors in the USA 
How much are these Board Certified Medical Doctors and how many do I get in a pack?
  • 788,770 in total * 17,658 emails
Those numbers just don’t add up, can you run them again please?
  • 34 primary and secondary specialties
I’m only interested in primary as I don’t do sloppy seconds.
  • Can easily be sorted by 16 different fields
Corn? Wheat? Barley?
  • 47,000 names and emails of the major positions
I had a book on the Karma Sutra which showed me the positions too, it was pretty cheap actually as it was a soiled second…  I know, I know, I don’t do sloppy seconds.
  • Hospitals in the United States
  • American Dentists
  • Chiropractors in the USA
  • Now priced at: $395 for all listed above

$395 for a hospital filled with doctors, dentists and chiropractors?  Sounds like a bargain.

If you can come back to me with an immediate response to all my questions I’d say we have a deal!


Best wishes,


Claggy Derriere

Investment Opportunities!

The Spam Tin begins with a most fortuitous opportunity from little Tom Sliva. A golden opportunity indeed as he has even supplied an email address for me to respond to… results here hopefuly in a few days.

Here is my response to Tom which includes his original mail.

Dear Tom,

I feel I must begin by thanking you warmly for this heart-felt email, for it is indeed not often I get moist on my cheeks from such a moving tale. Your problems have touched me in ways so unimaginable I can barely begin to comment but no matter how difficult I will try.

  • My name is Tom Sliva, I am 22 years old boy. I lost my parents and my only brother of 19 years to the war in my country. I am lucky that I was taken to this country Cote d’Ivoire by some good sameritans who have families here in Ivory coast.

I am truly sorry to hear of your loss. I too have visited the Ivory Coast recently on a hunting trip for the tusks of a mammalian sperm otter. Those little rascals sure are truly hard to catch and if you don’t handle them using a Bavarian leatherette monkey sock you run the risk of snapping of their little erdections completely!

  • I am from sierra leone but residing in Ivory Coast west Africa now, I would like to appeal to you confidentialy to assist me concerning my late father’s deposit in a (security firm) Financial Institution here in Abidjan of $10,000,000 ( Ten million USD) I want to move out of here because the crisis that started here for years now is still on, and there is no sign that it will end soon. Also my condition in this country is not condusive for me.

Tom, you seem to have missed out which security firm this deposit is with, suggesting instead an angular generalization on your text ? Perhaps you could fill in the blanks for me as the kind of money you are pontificating about can be easily passed through my horse recycling firm within a working day.

  • Can I trust you to help me retrieve the treasure from the (security firm) Financial Institution as my (foriegn partner) foreign business associate and also provide a place for me to stay in your country? Can I also trust you to safe keep this fund and also help me invest this fund in a profitable business in your country when this money get to you?

You can indeed trust me Tom, when it comes to finding treasure I am your man. I once completed the great Constantinople treasure hunt in less than 12 parsecs!

I run a number of different businesses so it would be easy for me to invest your money wisely within one of them. In terms of capital return I would heartily recommend my chutney ferret packing service as the annual retention has to be seen to be believed! Or if you would rather invest in a charity I can vouch for the Queen’s own “Bidets for Midgets” scheme.

  • If you are willing to help me please indicate in your next mail.

I am willing and most able to help, in fact I consider it my duty.

  • I will discuss with you some details, Let me know also from you what will you deduct from the total money after the funds is transfer to you

My handling charge would be somewhere in the region of $69.97 as I can claim no more due to the hard-nosed tax men we have over here.

  • Do please furnish me with the information below for easy processing of the transfer;
  • Your contact Telephone number……….
  • Contact address…………..

Unfortunately I cannot give out such details upon first contact. A response to this mail would guarantee to me your honesty and sincerity, which would then mean we can progress to second base.

  • God bless you.

And you Tom Sliva, and all who sail in you.

I eagerly await your response.

Yours Faithfuly

Annette Benefit


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