Posts Tagged 'spam'

Spam/Swine Flu Joke

I have received this email today allegedly from HMG Department of Health: 

“Please be aware for health reasons over the swine flu panic we are advising the general public not to eat tinned pork” 
I have checked up on this and the Government have said: 

“Ignore it, it’s spam”

Advertisements

1 in 12,500,000 Can’t be Wrong!

ccording to a new study, spam emails get 1 response in 12,500,000 emails.  That’s less than 0.00001%! Amazingly though, even with such a poor response a large spam organisation such as the Storm Networkwill make around £4500 profit a day.

Compare this to the general sales market who will on average get one sale in one hundred people and the stats look even more outlandish.

So is spamming the answer to all our sales problems?  Nope.  For everyday businesses there are worldwide laws that prohibit us from spamming without prior consent from the recipient.  Even the junk mail that falls through your door has been loosely authorised by your good self and a helpful 3rd party (remember that tick box at the bottom of that magazine subscription form which said something along the lines of “I authorise you or a 3rd party to fill my mailbox with guff”?). It is a fine line between what is legal and what is illegal but a common way to spam is to use indirect linking which takes you to a webpage with a banner ad for the product on it and not directly to the manufacturers site.

So how do we get people to sign up for our marketing campaigns? In whatever campaigns your run you need to create a hook which will mean people will give you their contact details.  There are many examples of this and you just need to pick the right one for your business, from running a competition to giving something away for free.  The bottom line is when you’ve been granted access to contact someone, then it is a free license to bombard them until they say stop.

The Spam Tin does not condone spamming in any way, but without it there would be even less content on this blog!

Craptic Coding

Today’s spam innovation comes from Bert Drake.  This is a man who knows all the crannies in your spam filter, and by doing so helped him to sneak this through:

keaton diverge infrequent

drugstore ahem lop? porch, postman bulldoze.
schoolmarm paranoiac open postman suds infrequent, mollify
washbasin nautical drugstore washbasin schoolmarm.

driscoll washbasin.

Is it just the ramblings of some crazy baffoon or is there some encrypted message hidden in the repeated words? If you take all the repeated words and add them together in a sentence you get “Infrequent Drugstore Schoolmarm Postman in Washbasin”.  Oooooh the thought of it makes me all hot!

Sadly the excitement of this spammers discovery made him forget to put any links in his spam, rendering it useless art.

 

 

The first spam related murder?

Some horrific spam related news today in the form of convicted spam king Edward Davidson being part of a suicide/murder spree involving himself, his wife and their 3 year old daughter who were all killed in the incident.  Another teenage girl and a baby boy were also hurt but the girl managed to run for help even though she had been shot in the neck.

Davidson had escaped from a minimum security prison on Sunday, aided by his wife and they had both been on the run since.

Sentenced in April 2008 for spam email, tax evasion and criminal forfeiture it is thought Davidson, 35, is responsible for the killings.

More on this story can be found here.

Caribbean Job Offer!

Mr Frank Micro writes:

  • My name is Mr. Frank Micro, I am the manager of an antique and fabric company here in the United Kingdom My company’s name is CJS Antiques Ltd. I am contacting you because we are in need of Payment Representative in the United States/Canada, Jamaica . So I would like to offer you a part time job as our payment Representative. 
[apply heavy Jamaican accent here] “Wow dat is bahrilliant news mon, why down’t we seal da deal wit some heavy rum?”
“Dis job, wha’s shakin’?”

  • Your Role as a Payment Rep: 
“I ‘as been a reppin’ sin I was a babba, if ya know’s what I is a sayin’.  P Diddy is a quakin’ each time he is a ‘earing me beats”.
  • 1. Receive payment from Clients 
“Yea, yea, stick the cash in me sak n chill”.
  • 2. Deposit Payments in your account at your Bank 
“I don’t ave one of dose bank tings, I just preferrin’ to build up me credit down de crab shack and get me some laundered stuff or a meaty snack.  Yo dig?”
  • 3. After 24 hours in which funds have cleared into your account, proceed to your bank for withdrawal of funds 
“Time is much slower ‘ere in Jamaica mon, you gotta chill wit da breze.  Minitz become hours and hours become dayz. Ya turn around too fast you get alllll spinny”.

  • 3. Deduct 10% percent which will be your percentage/pay on Payment processed. 
“10% suck a little.  I think some negotiation is a needed…. I’l take 5.”
  • 4. Forward balance after deduction of percentage/pay to any of the Offices you will be contacted to send payment to (Payment is to be Forwarded either By MoneyGram / Western Union Money Transfer)
“Money tends to move over ‘ere on de island by Lil’ Bill.  Takes a while on ‘is bike, but he only buys tree ice screams along de way from de money for his cut, so he is cool”.

  • If you are interested in our offer, and would like to work for our company kindly send an email with the requested details below: 
“Allriight letz talk.”
  • Full Name: 
“Syd Snape”

  • Residential Mailing Address: 
“3rd hut under de cliff, Pidgeon Beach, South Jamaica”

  • Home Tel: 
“I don’t know where Tel lives, ‘e just kina moves around ja know.”
  • Cell: 
“I ‘aint goin’ back der mon!”

  • Sex: 
“If Johanna is a passin’ maybe…”

  • Age: 
“She’s a young 62”

  • Present Occupation 
“You said I is a payment rep???”
  • NOTE: Providing your details confirms that you are ready to work for my company and fully understands your duties for the company as a payment representative.
“I is ready amigo, I just need anudder 10 minz under dis mango tree”


Human Friendly

Spam-buddy Zondervanamo writes:

Dear Spam Tin
 
I find the below reassuring – usually these med shops only cater for farm animals and plant life.
 
Regards, Z

Quality, pure medication goods! 100 % human friendly. http://www.spikemyspike.com/

(web address modified to protect the not so innocent)

Return to the past!

This surprisingly well crafted image snuck into my inbox today direct from the talented palette of little Bette Wiechman who has prescribed me to “Make love to your woman 2-3 times a day”.

This wartime style art harks back to a time when messages were obvious, signals were clear and a man knew that the only instruction he had to follow was not to fire off his bulging weapon too soon for fear of return fire landing all over his face.

Ironically Spam was the staple diet for the majority of Americans during the second world war as it wasn’t rationed, exactly the time when you may have seen an ad like this… but probably for something more like boot polish instead of cock pills.

God bless you Bette Wiechman for your raunchy retro rocket rudeness!

 

wartime spam