Posts Tagged 'spam'

Spam/Swine Flu Joke

I have received this email today allegedly from HMG Department of Health: 

“Please be aware for health reasons over the swine flu panic we are advising the general public not to eat tinned pork” 
I have checked up on this and the Government have said: 

“Ignore it, it’s spam”

1 in 12,500,000 Can’t be Wrong!

ccording to a new study, spam emails get 1 response in 12,500,000 emails.  That’s less than 0.00001%! Amazingly though, even with such a poor response a large spam organisation such as the Storm Networkwill make around £4500 profit a day.

Compare this to the general sales market who will on average get one sale in one hundred people and the stats look even more outlandish.

So is spamming the answer to all our sales problems?  Nope.  For everyday businesses there are worldwide laws that prohibit us from spamming without prior consent from the recipient.  Even the junk mail that falls through your door has been loosely authorised by your good self and a helpful 3rd party (remember that tick box at the bottom of that magazine subscription form which said something along the lines of “I authorise you or a 3rd party to fill my mailbox with guff”?). It is a fine line between what is legal and what is illegal but a common way to spam is to use indirect linking which takes you to a webpage with a banner ad for the product on it and not directly to the manufacturers site.

So how do we get people to sign up for our marketing campaigns? In whatever campaigns your run you need to create a hook which will mean people will give you their contact details.  There are many examples of this and you just need to pick the right one for your business, from running a competition to giving something away for free.  The bottom line is when you’ve been granted access to contact someone, then it is a free license to bombard them until they say stop.

The Spam Tin does not condone spamming in any way, but without it there would be even less content on this blog!

Craptic Coding

Today’s spam innovation comes from Bert Drake.  This is a man who knows all the crannies in your spam filter, and by doing so helped him to sneak this through:

keaton diverge infrequent

drugstore ahem lop? porch, postman bulldoze.
schoolmarm paranoiac open postman suds infrequent, mollify
washbasin nautical drugstore washbasin schoolmarm.

driscoll washbasin.

Is it just the ramblings of some crazy baffoon or is there some encrypted message hidden in the repeated words? If you take all the repeated words and add them together in a sentence you get “Infrequent Drugstore Schoolmarm Postman in Washbasin”.  Oooooh the thought of it makes me all hot!

Sadly the excitement of this spammers discovery made him forget to put any links in his spam, rendering it useless art.

 

 

The first spam related murder?

Some horrific spam related news today in the form of convicted spam king Edward Davidson being part of a suicide/murder spree involving himself, his wife and their 3 year old daughter who were all killed in the incident.  Another teenage girl and a baby boy were also hurt but the girl managed to run for help even though she had been shot in the neck.

Davidson had escaped from a minimum security prison on Sunday, aided by his wife and they had both been on the run since.

Sentenced in April 2008 for spam email, tax evasion and criminal forfeiture it is thought Davidson, 35, is responsible for the killings.

More on this story can be found here.

Caribbean Job Offer!

Mr Frank Micro writes:

  • My name is Mr. Frank Micro, I am the manager of an antique and fabric company here in the United Kingdom My company’s name is CJS Antiques Ltd. I am contacting you because we are in need of Payment Representative in the United States/Canada, Jamaica . So I would like to offer you a part time job as our payment Representative. 
[apply heavy Jamaican accent here] “Wow dat is bahrilliant news mon, why down’t we seal da deal wit some heavy rum?”
“Dis job, wha’s shakin’?”

  • Your Role as a Payment Rep: 
“I ‘as been a reppin’ sin I was a babba, if ya know’s what I is a sayin’.  P Diddy is a quakin’ each time he is a ‘earing me beats”.
  • 1. Receive payment from Clients 
“Yea, yea, stick the cash in me sak n chill”.
  • 2. Deposit Payments in your account at your Bank 
“I don’t ave one of dose bank tings, I just preferrin’ to build up me credit down de crab shack and get me some laundered stuff or a meaty snack.  Yo dig?”
  • 3. After 24 hours in which funds have cleared into your account, proceed to your bank for withdrawal of funds 
“Time is much slower ‘ere in Jamaica mon, you gotta chill wit da breze.  Minitz become hours and hours become dayz. Ya turn around too fast you get alllll spinny”.

  • 3. Deduct 10% percent which will be your percentage/pay on Payment processed. 
“10% suck a little.  I think some negotiation is a needed…. I’l take 5.”
  • 4. Forward balance after deduction of percentage/pay to any of the Offices you will be contacted to send payment to (Payment is to be Forwarded either By MoneyGram / Western Union Money Transfer)
“Money tends to move over ‘ere on de island by Lil’ Bill.  Takes a while on ‘is bike, but he only buys tree ice screams along de way from de money for his cut, so he is cool”.

  • If you are interested in our offer, and would like to work for our company kindly send an email with the requested details below: 
“Allriight letz talk.”
  • Full Name: 
“Syd Snape”

  • Residential Mailing Address: 
“3rd hut under de cliff, Pidgeon Beach, South Jamaica”

  • Home Tel: 
“I don’t know where Tel lives, ‘e just kina moves around ja know.”
  • Cell: 
“I ‘aint goin’ back der mon!”

  • Sex: 
“If Johanna is a passin’ maybe…”

  • Age: 
“She’s a young 62”

  • Present Occupation 
“You said I is a payment rep???”
  • NOTE: Providing your details confirms that you are ready to work for my company and fully understands your duties for the company as a payment representative.
“I is ready amigo, I just need anudder 10 minz under dis mango tree”


Human Friendly

Spam-buddy Zondervanamo writes:

Dear Spam Tin
 
I find the below reassuring – usually these med shops only cater for farm animals and plant life.
 
Regards, Z

Quality, pure medication goods! 100 % human friendly. http://www.spikemyspike.com/

(web address modified to protect the not so innocent)

Return to the past!

This surprisingly well crafted image snuck into my inbox today direct from the talented palette of little Bette Wiechman who has prescribed me to “Make love to your woman 2-3 times a day”.

This wartime style art harks back to a time when messages were obvious, signals were clear and a man knew that the only instruction he had to follow was not to fire off his bulging weapon too soon for fear of return fire landing all over his face.

Ironically Spam was the staple diet for the majority of Americans during the second world war as it wasn’t rationed, exactly the time when you may have seen an ad like this… but probably for something more like boot polish instead of cock pills.

God bless you Bette Wiechman for your raunchy retro rocket rudeness!

 

wartime spam

 

Bill of Rights

nigerian spam

Today’s image comes courtesy of Jessica Hagy of the Indexed blog.  It maketh Spamtinny chortle.

Those Nigerians have been pretty quiet of late, Spamtinny often finds himself wondering just what happened to all his Nigerian “friends”?

Thanks to Claggy for passing this on to me.

Spam by Numbers

Little Gracie Corley has sent us the equivalent of a game of spam sudoku.  She writes:

wA4V1544023357526242848878749287522455196755056595514092387

79635098598374900449290290496970270838979810924615033729518

87034747183397177604235827554269464664785242175789566075068

0933446714153725005937071298928574629439154188423CMZLS60544

46979944921592622186051629495092736021585506220248899452080

35178493113901295103419936382645649238014584735683027912579

00669947815972885893977253313019783068617375290545772151757

17629959138534746371131233538858170567392674323590511490245

34423975635600425494018806540785585Zl0418200258269081500177

4126477044746707393387411283175285Ge

Wow, Gracie you sure have excelled yourself today.  Is it a record attempt at the longest prime number ever formed by the human hand?  Or maybe the simple beginnings of an equation for creating the perfect latte?  Who knows but the image you sent through depicting the results is priceless…

 

Now I get it, it’s actually a formula for growing women from the hairiest parts of the male body.  In this instance one from the armpit and one from each nipple.

My recommendation to you young man is to get those giggling tumorous whores surgically removed before you are arrested for polygamy.  You may be smug now but when those folic-ally formed bints strip you of everything you own you will wish you had drowned in your own sea of tempestuous love.

 

Best wishes,

Engelbert McWhirter

 

(Today’s spam supplied direct from the mailbox of friend to The Spam Tin, zondervanemo)

Trouble in the Bank.

Today little Nathan West writes:

  • Dear NatWest Bank customer, We have implemented security measures consistent with our internal information security practices to help us keep your information secure. These measures include technical and procedural steps to protect your data from misuse, access or disclosure, loss, alteration or destruction.
Dear Nathan West, I generally keep most of my data secure under a plant pot on my patio.  Thus far it has been pretty successful apart from the time a slug forced entry and ate a portion on my credit card statement and then sicked it up again all over my passport.  Needless to say it was ruined.
  • One of these security measures is NOF to help us to keep your personal and banking data up to date.
Pardon my ignorance but what is this NOF you speak of?  Applying abbreviations to security measures is not big or clever and often spells trouble… not that NOF spells trouble, at least I don’t think it does.  Hang on, the best security measure I can think of involves a nasty niff not a NOF! Smells can keep even most prying eyes away.  
Is a NOF a Nominally Obscene Fart perchance?
  • You should complete a NOF on a regular basis.
I just did and if I was you I’d give it a minute before coming in here.
  • Please complete NOF using the link below:

(link removed for the safety of our readers)

Now Nathan, I visited your site and this NOF you so proudly speak of was nowhere to be seen, there was however a very strong smell of yesterday’s shit which I can only assume your big, fat NOF left behind as he legged it with my bank account details.

Love,

Norman Oliver Fahlegm 


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