Posts Tagged 'investment'

The Spam Tin overflows in double bill calamity!

Today in The Spam Tin we have a 2-up special! Both Francois Veillon and Luisa Vangelder felt they really must tell me about the same hot offer.

It’s a super special day too in that the cheeky little winkle-pickers both sent me a lovely image featuring their proposition:

 

Tut, tut Luisa.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Francois, you naughty sprite!

Dear Francois and Luisa,

I fear you have both copied your work from some other unsuspecting spammer and passed it onto me as your own. As creativity goes it is the sloppiest work I’ve seen within the many hundreds of emails I’ve recieved, erm…today.

It’s not really an investment opportunity, more of an opportunity to spot the difference.

If you continue along this track I shall be forced to use my cane and beat seven shades of yesterday’s shit out of you.

Stern regards,

Justin Limbershake

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The Return of Tom Silva!

Hot from my mailbox is this little nugget from my dear old mate Tom Silva. He took the bait from last Wednesday and has at least responded but unfortunately not quite in the manner that I’d hoped for. It’s all a little bit too generic you see. I shall endeavor to evoke a better response this time.

Take two:

  • Dear Friend,

    Thanks for your response to my email and your assurance that i can rely on you.

Tom. For you, anything. I feel we have now moved on to the brotherly stage and I know that it won’t be long before I can nurture you with my financial teat.

  • Please i will want you to understand my situation better, for now to say it in the short form it has been a very bitter tale, from the death of my father to the maltreatment i have been receiving from my relatives who have been envious of my parents because they were not well-to-do as my parents were, for that reason they are hostile at me.

Jealousy is at the root of all hostility. I never allow my roots to show and using techniques that are “just for men” I can keep them that way!

  • I am entrusting the only left hope into your care, the rest of my parents properties have been taken by my wicked uncle who is even seeking my life. My father put the money in a portfolio which is kept in a finance trust for safety this is my joy and reason to be alive since you can understand the life here is very hard.

I had a wicked uncle once who kept me locked in a tower until I had spun him a yarn of infinite testosterone. He hurt me deepr than you can imagine.

  • Before i give you details of the portfolio and the finance trust i will want to know more about you if you do not mind. Kindly tell me, what you do for a living, about your family, if you are married and how many children have you? This is just to know you better.

As I explained in my mail last week I own and operate many businesses, which I run under the cover of my day job which sees me packing fudge for Cadbury’s. I have been married 3 times and I love all my wives very much. We all live together in a lovely big bungalow happily practicing the art of polygamy. Between us we have 11 children, many of which have an above average IQ. Willfred is probably the most special child due to his extremely happy nature which is surprising as he has a excessive amount of extra nipples located on his inner thigh. We love him just the same.

  • Well to give you more details i will first like to let you know that i have planned coming over to your country to settle down with this money for investment and as well further my education. The money right now as i write to you is in the finance trust where my father deposited it before his death. I am an orphan so i would want you to stand as guardian to safely get the portfolio claimed from the finance trust then after the portfolio has been claimed make arrangement for me to come over to meet you. The reason i need your help is because of the agreement my father had with the finance trust which is that the portfolio should be released to a foreigner as he planned using it for investment abroad, so i am not able to claim the portfolio without your assistant.

My assistant, Mr. Jingles is available for an extra fee. I can contact him if you like, maybe we could have a conference call together?

  • Kindly call me on the telephone +22508846869 so that we can discuss more, it is important that you call me upon receiving this mail.

I hear your urgency and I tried ringing the number a couple of times but unfortunately all I got was the speaking clock and the second time I tried I could smell a strong day-old deposit which made me feel rather queasy I’m afraid so I gave up.

Tom, I feel your urgency but I must tell you my time on this world is drawing to an end and if I do not help you soon I really do think it will all be in vain.

Help me to help you.

Yours,

Billy Bigelow

 

Investment Opportunities!

The Spam Tin begins with a most fortuitous opportunity from little Tom Sliva. A golden opportunity indeed as he has even supplied an email address for me to respond to… results here hopefuly in a few days.

Here is my response to Tom which includes his original mail.

Dear Tom,

I feel I must begin by thanking you warmly for this heart-felt email, for it is indeed not often I get moist on my cheeks from such a moving tale. Your problems have touched me in ways so unimaginable I can barely begin to comment but no matter how difficult I will try.

  • My name is Tom Sliva, I am 22 years old boy. I lost my parents and my only brother of 19 years to the war in my country. I am lucky that I was taken to this country Cote d’Ivoire by some good sameritans who have families here in Ivory coast.

I am truly sorry to hear of your loss. I too have visited the Ivory Coast recently on a hunting trip for the tusks of a mammalian sperm otter. Those little rascals sure are truly hard to catch and if you don’t handle them using a Bavarian leatherette monkey sock you run the risk of snapping of their little erdections completely!

  • I am from sierra leone but residing in Ivory Coast west Africa now, I would like to appeal to you confidentialy to assist me concerning my late father’s deposit in a (security firm) Financial Institution here in Abidjan of $10,000,000 ( Ten million USD) I want to move out of here because the crisis that started here for years now is still on, and there is no sign that it will end soon. Also my condition in this country is not condusive for me.

Tom, you seem to have missed out which security firm this deposit is with, suggesting instead an angular generalization on your text ? Perhaps you could fill in the blanks for me as the kind of money you are pontificating about can be easily passed through my horse recycling firm within a working day.

  • Can I trust you to help me retrieve the treasure from the (security firm) Financial Institution as my (foriegn partner) foreign business associate and also provide a place for me to stay in your country? Can I also trust you to safe keep this fund and also help me invest this fund in a profitable business in your country when this money get to you?

You can indeed trust me Tom, when it comes to finding treasure I am your man. I once completed the great Constantinople treasure hunt in less than 12 parsecs!

I run a number of different businesses so it would be easy for me to invest your money wisely within one of them. In terms of capital return I would heartily recommend my chutney ferret packing service as the annual retention has to be seen to be believed! Or if you would rather invest in a charity I can vouch for the Queen’s own “Bidets for Midgets” scheme.

  • If you are willing to help me please indicate in your next mail.

I am willing and most able to help, in fact I consider it my duty.

  • I will discuss with you some details, Let me know also from you what will you deduct from the total money after the funds is transfer to you

My handling charge would be somewhere in the region of $69.97 as I can claim no more due to the hard-nosed tax men we have over here.

  • Do please furnish me with the information below for easy processing of the transfer;
  • Your contact Telephone number……….
  • Contact address…………..

Unfortunately I cannot give out such details upon first contact. A response to this mail would guarantee to me your honesty and sincerity, which would then mean we can progress to second base.

  • God bless you.

And you Tom Sliva, and all who sail in you.

I eagerly await your response.

Yours Faithfuly

Annette Benefit