Posts Tagged 'dirty laundry'

Investment Opportunities!

The Spam Tin begins with a most fortuitous opportunity from little Tom Sliva. A golden opportunity indeed as he has even supplied an email address for me to respond to… results here hopefuly in a few days.

Here is my response to Tom which includes his original mail.

Dear Tom,

I feel I must begin by thanking you warmly for this heart-felt email, for it is indeed not often I get moist on my cheeks from such a moving tale. Your problems have touched me in ways so unimaginable I can barely begin to comment but no matter how difficult I will try.

  • My name is Tom Sliva, I am 22 years old boy. I lost my parents and my only brother of 19 years to the war in my country. I am lucky that I was taken to this country Cote d’Ivoire by some good sameritans who have families here in Ivory coast.

I am truly sorry to hear of your loss. I too have visited the Ivory Coast recently on a hunting trip for the tusks of a mammalian sperm otter. Those little rascals sure are truly hard to catch and if you don’t handle them using a Bavarian leatherette monkey sock you run the risk of snapping of their little erdections completely!

  • I am from sierra leone but residing in Ivory Coast west Africa now, I would like to appeal to you confidentialy to assist me concerning my late father’s deposit in a (security firm) Financial Institution here in Abidjan of $10,000,000 ( Ten million USD) I want to move out of here because the crisis that started here for years now is still on, and there is no sign that it will end soon. Also my condition in this country is not condusive for me.

Tom, you seem to have missed out which security firm this deposit is with, suggesting instead an angular generalization on your text ? Perhaps you could fill in the blanks for me as the kind of money you are pontificating about can be easily passed through my horse recycling firm within a working day.

  • Can I trust you to help me retrieve the treasure from the (security firm) Financial Institution as my (foriegn partner) foreign business associate and also provide a place for me to stay in your country? Can I also trust you to safe keep this fund and also help me invest this fund in a profitable business in your country when this money get to you?

You can indeed trust me Tom, when it comes to finding treasure I am your man. I once completed the great Constantinople treasure hunt in less than 12 parsecs!

I run a number of different businesses so it would be easy for me to invest your money wisely within one of them. In terms of capital return I would heartily recommend my chutney ferret packing service as the annual retention has to be seen to be believed! Or if you would rather invest in a charity I can vouch for the Queen’s own “Bidets for Midgets” scheme.

  • If you are willing to help me please indicate in your next mail.

I am willing and most able to help, in fact I consider it my duty.

  • I will discuss with you some details, Let me know also from you what will you deduct from the total money after the funds is transfer to you

My handling charge would be somewhere in the region of $69.97 as I can claim no more due to the hard-nosed tax men we have over here.

  • Do please furnish me with the information below for easy processing of the transfer;
  • Your contact Telephone number……….
  • Contact address…………..

Unfortunately I cannot give out such details upon first contact. A response to this mail would guarantee to me your honesty and sincerity, which would then mean we can progress to second base.

  • God bless you.

And you Tom Sliva, and all who sail in you.

I eagerly await your response.

Yours Faithfuly

Annette Benefit

 

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