This just in, from The Sgt Major!

After a 43 month sabbatical the Spam Tin has returned.  Is this one last hurrah, or is there a new wave of spam hitting our inboxes?

As usual we have responded in our usual genuine manner, with our response in italics below.

I am Sgt Major Gabriel Torok,

Greetings Sgt Major Gabriel.  I wonder, have we met before?  Are you perhaps related to the Arcangel? 

 

I found your name on the amnesty post and because of that i assumed that you are a kind person, therefore i decided to share with you little about what is happening here at war zone believing that together we can use this great opportunity to help the poor. If you accept we can work together to help the poor people, I pray that God will touch your mind and use you to help the poor around you, I can assure you there is no risk since we already have a reliable delivery company that we can use to carry out this delivery without any problem

Thanks but I already have a reliable delivery company, they’re called UPS.

 

I am excited talking to you today and I am glad to have met someone like you with a kind mind, there is something i will like to share with you and thank God I found the treasure myself after a tough fire exchange with the Taliban’s.

 

Treasure you say?  Tell me more.

there is something happening here at the war front which I will like to share with you and if you accept we can work together to help the poor people, I pray that God will touch your mind and use you to help the poor around you, I can assure you there is no risk since we already have a reliable delivery company that we can use to carry out this delivery without any problem

Sorry, I’ve just had a terrible case of deja vu from a whole paragraph ago.

 

there is so much corruption going on here in the military and as a soldier i believe that the only way i will show gratitude to God for saving me at war zone is by doing good, American we fight war to relief the poor and set the captive free not to oppress and suppress the poor, 

I agree, to oppress and suppress is to undress with distress.  Can I have your address?

 

I sent my friend request to you based on humanity and I blieve together we can work for God by helping the poor children and less privileged with this great opportunity i am going to offer to you now instead of allowing the ungodly fools to continue taking the advantage of the poor, I believe that every human been who love the children and care for their future need to join us in bringing peace to the youth by doing good and showing good example of life, 

Please excuse my ignorance as I have not heard of a human been before.  Is it like a mung bean?

 

I am in US military; currently I am among the soldier in Afghanistan on peace keeping mission and several times we have discovered treasures like Gold, Diamond, Cash etc, these treasure are discovered after exchanging fire with the Taliban’s at their hide out place, these are the treasures the Taliban’s uses to purchase war materials they are using to kill the innocent people while some innocent motherless children continue to suffer in hunger

Did you find any Bitcoins?  Maybe even a Bitcoin mine?  I understand they are like golddust.

 

so many times after exchanging fire with them and we succeeded in entering into their hide out place, such treasure are discovered and all this treasure when discovered are being sent to the government to support the charity work, lately we have also discovered that none of this money are being used the right way instead the government officials take the benefit alone act of greediness which is the number one problem of the world today, one person want to own the world and every other person become his tenant

You do know I’m a member of the UK Parliament, right?

 

As soldiers we believe doing good is the only way we can show gratitude to God who saved us during the war and we also believe God will continue saving people who are doing good work, but finally we have find out that this money when sent to the government, one of the top officials always divert it into a personal bank account for only their family benefit and inheritance to unborn children while the motherless already born babies continue to suffer hunger, some of them will use it for their political position without considering the motherless children who need this money to feed

We must create some kind of diversion to stop this money being diverted.  If only there was a way.

 

Because of the above reason my team have agreed to stop sending any money to government and now we are looking for individual who can work together with us in helping the hopeless children, I considered to be your friend on facebook after going through your profile, it touches my mind that we can work with you and I considered you as the best person we can use to reach the needy around you after the little conversation we had, Please I want you to consider the innocent children that are suffering and take this obligation of working with my team to help the motherless children

I am definitely considering it.

 

We the soldiers here have concluded that working hard and continue sending to government is like the sacrifice of Ken in the bible which never reach heaven therefore we must act fast and find the best way our sacrifice can reach the motherless through your help.

Who is this Ken you speak of?  Is he a secret disciple? In biblical times I understand Ken was quite a popular name, along with Fred and Sidney.

This is not going to cost you any stress since we have a reliable source to bring the gift at your doorstep

Is this UPS again?  I have a contract with them if that helps?

and all you do is to distribute it to the proper charities around you who deserve this money. this is all i can said for now and i hope you can give your service, as soldiers everything we are doing with you must be kept secret to protect our job

if will be interested to be as my next kin to help me collect this treasure from the delivery then do let me know 

I am very interested in you and your next kin.  Please send me all of your Bitcoins, loaded into an unmarked UPS truck to ensure a safe delivery.  I have many distribution channels across Europe, and working with my partner Eddie Stobart will ensure a safe onwards delivery.

thank you till i hear from you,

 

Sgt Major Gabriel Torok,

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Spam/Swine Flu Joke

I have received this email today allegedly from HMG Department of Health: 

“Please be aware for health reasons over the swine flu panic we are advising the general public not to eat tinned pork” 
I have checked up on this and the Government have said: 

“Ignore it, it’s spam”

Craptic Coding

Today’s spam innovation comes from Bert Drake.  This is a man who knows all the crannies in your spam filter, and by doing so helped him to sneak this through:

keaton diverge infrequent

drugstore ahem lop? porch, postman bulldoze.

schoolmarm paranoiac open postman suds infrequent, mollify

washbasin nautical drugstore washbasin schoolmarm.

driscoll washbasin.

Is it just the ramblings of some crazy baffoon or is there some encrypted message hidden in the repeated words? If you take all the repeated words and add them together in a sentence you get “Infrequent Drugstore Schoolmarm Postman in Washbasin”.  Oooooh the thought of it makes me all hot!

Sadly the excitement of this spammers discovery made him forget to put any links in his spam, rendering it useless art.

 

 

Spam Optimisation

In today’s episode little Monu Pathak explains how he can make me more visible.  Apparently he also sees dead people.

SEO SERVICES

Dear Sir/Madam,

Is your Site Optimized with the Google latest methodology called LSI to Rank High???

I’m not too sure but I did see an episode of CSI last week in which Grisham got promoted.

Does your Site Rank Low???

Yes, it’s really hanging.

Do you have less traffic on your site???

Who is this Les Traffic?  Is he a menace?

Our Steps and the Activities will Rank You Smart

Yes please, rank me good.  Are you oriental perchance?

Please Note: This mail is not a spam and is being sent by an Individual. If you don’t intend to accept it, kindly revert back and we will remove you from the list for no further communication.

Define spam for me please.  Did I ask for you to send me this?  

If yes then continue else goto hell.

 

Kind regards,

 

Wally Wick

Direct from the eBay Helpline!

Today’s meaty goodness comes directly from the “Trust and Safety Department” of online auctioneers eBay. Spams and scams are one of the biggest problems for eBay, so let’s try and help them out a little by taking one on in a live fight!

• Dear  eBayer,  We are contacting you about the item you sold on eBay. 

Exactly which item is this relating to?  I sell many items on eBay but in recent days my most successful selling items have been the Nokia 6500 and the Clitmaster 5000, so I guess it’s one of those?  Please can you confirm your interest.

• The buyer has made payment for your item and the item is yet to be posted to the given address.We will like to know if you have posted the item so that your account can be credited immediately you send the tracking number to us.Note that you have committed yourself that you are going to send the item out.

Again it depends on the item in question.  The Nokia I had no problem in sending but the Clitmaster 5000 is classed as outsize and marked fragile – it can literally go off at the slightest touch and must be personally couriered to you at a speed of no greater than 15mph as it really is a danger to the public.

• Please respond by April-7-2008 so eBay knows whether you have agreed.

Oh goodness, please accept my most humble apologies as I did not discover your mail until this very day.  For some bizarre reason my mail client had popped it into the spam box.

• Respond to this notice or your account will be block. 

Block?  Oh please don’t block it Mr eBay, I know I am late in responding to you but I cannot survive without my eBay account.  If you were to block it I would not be able to sell my stockpile of stuffed beavers and I am already in trouble with the wife for having 972 of them in our bedroom.  She claims she has trouble sleeping with all those bright white teeth glowing in the darkness.

What will it take for my account not to be blocked?  I will do anything.  Please advise.

    

• Please don’t hesitate to contact us directly through this email if you have further queries or require assistance. Regards, Customer Support (Trust and Safety Department)  eBay International AG.

Thank you eBay, please hurry as my beaver bonanza begins soon!

Yours faithfully,

Jimmy Changga.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Apologies but here it is…

Today’s spam comes from little Benito.

Dear Benito, before you begin I’d just like to say that your subject line “Apologies but here it is” is a little backwards in coming forward. Don’t apologize for something I haven’t even read yet, you could put off many potential clients by dropping the seed of doubt into their minds that what you’ve sent out is actually a crock of old shit before you’ve even begun.

• Take delivery of a substantial cut on your pills safe characters, prime quality.

I hear “safe characters” are all the rage, do you have any in bondite blue?

• whopping range, including backbreaking to find drugs 0 prior doctors approval indispensable.

I’m not sure about breaking any backs to fill my cracks. Are these drugs particularly heavy? Or maybe you sell in such large quantities that everytime you ship a load out of your Columbian sweatshop you snap a few vertebrae getting them onto the fleece-wagons?

• Here I am, on a cannibal island, hundreds of miles from civilization, with no way to get back, he reflected Now it’s blue, complained the horse

Errrr.

This horse, is he a bondite blue?  If so we can negotiate.

 

Best wishes,

 

Jimmy Changa

Welcome to The Spam Tin

Welcome indeed to the new home of spam on the world wide web.

This site is dedicated to all the great spam mail in the world, a repository if you like, nay a haven for the best, most highly crafted spam the world has ever seen.

It’s the only site in the world where you will find an idiot who wants to be spammed, relentlessly and without mercy.

Yes, please SEND ME YOUR SPAM!

I’m not after the day in day out invariably different yet still the same spam about Cialis, I’m looking for a much more hand-crafted experience, something sent specially to get my attention and evoke a response.

The Spam Tin is the only place where the spammers can get spammed and the results will appear here.

This is a call to action, The Spam Tin needs you my friends.  Spam me with your best spams, including if possible the reply email address for the spammer and I shall shower them with glory, live here on this blog.

Brilliant!