Johnny Ball in Spamming Shocker

Johnny Ball has finally gone completely cahoots and sent me this!  What is the spam world coming to when spam needs celebrity endorsement?

1 in 12,500,000 Can’t be Wrong!

ccording to a new study, spam emails get 1 response in 12,500,000 emails.  That’s less than 0.00001%! Amazingly though, even with such a poor response a large spam organisation such as the Storm Networkwill make around £4500 profit a day.

Compare this to the general sales market who will on average get one sale in one hundred people and the stats look even more outlandish.

So is spamming the answer to all our sales problems?  Nope.  For everyday businesses there are worldwide laws that prohibit us from spamming without prior consent from the recipient.  Even the junk mail that falls through your door has been loosely authorised by your good self and a helpful 3rd party (remember that tick box at the bottom of that magazine subscription form which said something along the lines of “I authorise you or a 3rd party to fill my mailbox with guff”?). It is a fine line between what is legal and what is illegal but a common way to spam is to use indirect linking which takes you to a webpage with a banner ad for the product on it and not directly to the manufacturers site.

So how do we get people to sign up for our marketing campaigns? In whatever campaigns your run you need to create a hook which will mean people will give you their contact details.  There are many examples of this and you just need to pick the right one for your business, from running a competition to giving something away for free.  The bottom line is when you’ve been granted access to contact someone, then it is a free license to bombard them until they say stop.

The Spam Tin does not condone spamming in any way, but without it there would be even less content on this blog!

650.000.000 reasons not to…

Today Zondervanamo is a little bit richer and has shared his winnings with The Spam Tin.

• Greetings!

Erm, hello.

• I have been waiting for you to contact me eversince for your Certified Bank Draft of 650.000.00 USD that you won from the Online Draw, but I did not hear from you.

Alas I was a little confused by the number of decimal places in the figure quoted and neglected to respond.  I don’t get out of bed for less than a 1000.000.000 you see. Plus being a cockney means I only understand slang terms like “monkey” and “pony”.

• Then I went and deposited the Draft with FEDEX COURIER SERVICE, West Africa. I am out of the country for the past four weeks on a 4 month course and i will not be back till end of September.

WHAT!  How could you?  These people are sharks I tell you, before you know it they’ll have moved those decimal points up a couple of places.  I am truly dishonoured by your flippant way with the ponies.

• What you have to do now, is to contact FEDEX COURIER as soon as possible to enable them deliver your package to you because of the expiring date.For your information.

I called the number you gave me and I spoke with a man called Fred Ex and he was most helpful.  He explained that there are around 650 ponies and 8 monkeys in the package. 

•  I have paid for the delivering Charge, Insurance premium and Clearance Certificate Fee of the Cheque showing that it is not a Drug Money or meant to sponsor Terrorist attack in your Country.

Yes but Fred Ex told me that your “first class” stamp didn’t cover it, I now need to bring in a specialist heavy haulage company with compartments big enough to separate the monkeys and the ponies.

• The only money you will send to the FEDEX COURIER to deliver your Draft direct to your postal Address in your country is (320.00USD). Again, don’t be deceived by anybody to pay any other money except 320.00USD.

Do you mean a “dolphin”?  This is just getting out of hand, Fred Ex has been seriously injured when trying to stop a monkey from scratching his eyes out he fell over, got trampled by a pony and kicked into a water tank full of dolphins.

He is in a bad state and I fear we will be hearing from his lawyers.

Next time don’t bother contacting me for anything less than a manatee.

 

Regards,

Don Ping.

Penis 2.0

Today I’ve been invited to “Update your penis”, which got me to thinking…

If there really was some miracle pill or pump device which could revolutionize my dick what would Penis 2.0 really look like?

Penis 2.0 would include:

• greater flexibility
• 2 eyes for glorious 3D!
• viagra on demand
• removable layers for switching religions
• built in RSS feed so that subscribers can know when you are horny
• user login prevent unwanted access in times of drunken status
• downloadable updates (watch out for viruses though)

Songs in the key of Spam

Have you ever read the subject line of a spam mail and felt the need to burst into song?  These artists have and as a result they have published their musings on a CD.  Check out “Outside the Inbox” and get down with songs such as “Do You Measure Up” and “Erik, Someone Wants to Date You”

It’s truly inspired.

Caribbean Job Offer!

Mr Frank Micro writes:

• My name is Mr. Frank Micro, I am the manager of an antique and fabric company here in the United Kingdom My company’s name is CJS Antiques Ltd. I am contacting you because we are in need of Payment Representative in the United States/Canada, Jamaica . So I would like to offer you a part time job as our payment Representative. 

[apply heavy Jamaican accent here] “Wow dat is bahrilliant news mon, why down’t we seal da deal wit some heavy rum?”

“Dis job, wha’s shakin’?”

• Your Role as a Payment Rep: 

“I ‘as been a reppin’ sin I was a babba, if ya know’s what I is a sayin’.  P Diddy is a quakin’ each time he is a ‘earing me beats”.

• 1. Receive payment from Clients 

“Yea, yea, stick the cash in me sak n chill”.

• 2. Deposit Payments in your account at your Bank 

“I don’t ave one of dose bank tings, I just preferrin’ to build up me credit down de crab shack and get me some laundered stuff or a meaty snack.  Yo dig?”

• 3. After 24 hours in which funds have cleared into your account, proceed to your bank for withdrawal of funds 

“Time is much slower ‘ere in Jamaica mon, you gotta chill wit da breze.  Minitz become hours and hours become dayz. Ya turn around too fast you get alllll spinny”.

• 3. Deduct 10% percent which will be your percentage/pay on Payment processed. 

“10% suck a little.  I think some negotiation is a needed…. I’l take 5.”

• 4. Forward balance after deduction of percentage/pay to any of the Offices you will be contacted to send payment to (Payment is to be Forwarded either By MoneyGram / Western Union Money Transfer). 

“Money tends to move over ‘ere on de island by Lil’ Bill.  Takes a while on ‘is bike, but he only buys tree ice screams along de way from de money for his cut, so he is cool”.

• If you are interested in our offer, and would like to work for our company kindly send an email with the requested details below: 

“Allriight letz talk.”

• Full Name: 

“Syd Snape”

• Residential Mailing Address: 

“3rd hut under de cliff, Pidgeon Beach, South Jamaica”

• Home Tel: 

“I don’t know where Tel lives, ‘e just kina moves around ja know.”

• Cell: 

“I ‘aint goin’ back der mon!”

• Sex: 

“If Johanna is a passin’ maybe…”

• Age: 

“She’s a young 62”

• Present Occupation 

“You said I is a payment rep???”

• NOTE: Providing your details confirms that you are ready to work for my company and fully understands your duties for the company as a payment representative.

“I is ready amigo, I just need anudder 10 minz under dis mango tree”

Human Friendly

Spam-buddy Zondervanamo writes:

Dear Spam Tin

 

I find the below reassuring – usually these med shops only cater for farm animals and plant life.

 

Regards, Z

Quality, pure medication goods! 100 % human friendly. http://www.spikemyspike.com/

(web address modified to protect the not so innocent)