Much ado about herbal express

Today Mohammed-Vakker writes:

• Elongate the trouser snake into the monster python you’ve always deserved.

Thanks Mohammed, if nothing else you’ve given me a great idea for some characters in a medieval horror, sex romp.  Imagine the poster with me if you will…

“Elongate the Trouser Snake and Monster Python in ‘Carnival of The Forked Tongue’ – see it in glorious VHS!”

Mohammed you sure brought the mountain to my trousers.

Lovely Spam

It’s not all bad news and humour from a simpleton here at The Spam Tin.  Sometimes I’d really like to show spam being used positively.

Lovely Spam uses the spam collected in the developers inbox and turns it into a constantly evolving piece of art.

Enjoy.

Screw the NHS!

Today little Gerhard Carroll has kindly sent me an eye test!

Thanks Gerhard I needed that test, although I’m not sure that I passed as all I could make out in the bleary haze was something about you preaching “yesterday’s shit”????

Try harder.  F-

Atlantic City Spam

Today casino lovin’ Madge Light otherwise known as “Lady Flaps” kindly informs us:

• I have the Loosest Slots in the Midwest! 

Is it just me or was there an echo in that sentence?

Blog Spam

The beauty of having a spam blog is that I receive lots of blog spam (actually that’s true of any blog). This little number is from everyone’s friend Phil Vance.  He writes:

• tripewoman sander fissate spaning pancratically witchen hockday smectis
  
• Crwth
  
• http://www.buttonwoodwinery.com/

What does it all mean?  I really don’t know but a tripewoman does sound appealing.

Actually the only “proper” words in the above sentence are sander and hockday (unless you count “spaning” which is Swedish for “reconnaissance”).  So all the remaining words were hand crafted in order to get past the filters.  I do have to admit though I’m a big fan of the all-new word “pancratically”.

 Interestingly a “hockday” is an ancient form of English holiday, see this definition taken from dictionary.com;

A holiday commemorating the expulsion of the Danes, formerly observed on the second Tuesday after Easter; — called also hocktide.

I don’t know how these spammers get past the filters but they sure know their medieval history.

Good on you Phil Vance!

Spam Optimisation

In today’s episode little Monu Pathak explains how he can make me more visible.  Apparently he also sees dead people.

SEO SERVICES

Dear Sir/Madam,

Is your Site Optimized with the Google latest methodology called LSI to Rank High???

I’m not too sure but I did see an episode of CSI last week in which Grisham got promoted.

Does your Site Rank Low???

Yes, it’s really hanging.

Do you have less traffic on your site???

Who is this Les Traffic?  Is he a menace?

Our Steps and the Activities will Rank You Smart

Yes please, rank me good.  Are you oriental perchance?

Please Note: This mail is not a spam and is being sent by an Individual. If you don’t intend to accept it, kindly revert back and we will remove you from the list for no further communication.

Define spam for me please.  Did I ask for you to send me this?  

If yes then continue else goto hell.

 

Kind regards,

 

Wally Wick

Super Skinny Spamtinny!

A quickie today that comes from little Deja, who writes:

• I lost weight so fast with PHENTERMINE. This stuff really works, and helps you through hunger. Now I can look like Nicole Richie. http://www.leinussri.com/

Dear Deja,

Thank you for your offer and I appreciate your concern but… Nicole Richie?  Who the hell wants to look like that scrawny, malnutritioned bitch?

Kindest regards,

Lonnie Lard

Direct from the eBay Helpline!

Today’s meaty goodness comes directly from the “Trust and Safety Department” of online auctioneers eBay. Spams and scams are one of the biggest problems for eBay, so let’s try and help them out a little by taking one on in a live fight!

• Dear  eBayer,  We are contacting you about the item you sold on eBay. 

Exactly which item is this relating to?  I sell many items on eBay but in recent days my most successful selling items have been the Nokia 6500 and the Clitmaster 5000, so I guess it’s one of those?  Please can you confirm your interest.

• The buyer has made payment for your item and the item is yet to be posted to the given address.We will like to know if you have posted the item so that your account can be credited immediately you send the tracking number to us.Note that you have committed yourself that you are going to send the item out.

Again it depends on the item in question.  The Nokia I had no problem in sending but the Clitmaster 5000 is classed as outsize and marked fragile – it can literally go off at the slightest touch and must be personally couriered to you at a speed of no greater than 15mph as it really is a danger to the public.

• Please respond by April-7-2008 so eBay knows whether you have agreed.

Oh goodness, please accept my most humble apologies as I did not discover your mail until this very day.  For some bizarre reason my mail client had popped it into the spam box.

• Respond to this notice or your account will be block. 

Block?  Oh please don’t block it Mr eBay, I know I am late in responding to you but I cannot survive without my eBay account.  If you were to block it I would not be able to sell my stockpile of stuffed beavers and I am already in trouble with the wife for having 972 of them in our bedroom.  She claims she has trouble sleeping with all those bright white teeth glowing in the darkness.

What will it take for my account not to be blocked?  I will do anything.  Please advise.

    

• Please don’t hesitate to contact us directly through this email if you have further queries or require assistance. Regards, Customer Support (Trust and Safety Department)  eBay International AG.

Thank you eBay, please hurry as my beaver bonanza begins soon!

Yours faithfully,

Jimmy Changga.

 

 

 

 

 

 

From Russia with Love

 

Today’s helping from The Spam Tin features some extra-curricular over indulgence in the form of hopeful Russian bride-to-be Ebba.

The following email was kindly passed onto me by her “friend” Suzanne Coker.

As usual the following email includes my own reply to Ebba, which I hope to be the first of many as our romance unfolds like a beautiful flower.

 

 

• Hello from a pretty single girlie!!!!

Hello from a dashing, English gentleman.

• I was searching the net and came across your profile

I hope you didn’t leave a stain…

• I am 26, I like to meet new people and i like travelling a lot! I live in Russian Federation but I`m going to travel overseas for work soon!

I am 52, I like to meet new people too.  I’m not much of a traveller but I like my mind to wander and dream of what might cum.  I do enjoy a little “roaming” though.

• I just don’t know where to begin..  I am attaching a picture of me.

Thank you but sadly the digital artifacts in the picture make it difficult to see your face properly but if I cross my eyes and stare really intensely I can see an image of dolphins!  It’s really beautiful.

• You will make my day if you like the picture and decide to reply back to me.

I consider it an honour you contacted me in the first instance, so I kindly repay this privilege by replying to you… even though staring at the dolphins has made my lazy eye jitter and spasm like an ewok on acid.

• I feel very lonely at times and i am looking for a man who can bring me to the new emotions! 

Here’s one for you:       ;-o

• Reply and I will send you more photoes of me!!! 

Are photoes part of the potato family?  If so you may be interested in a photoe of my King Edward which is joined in a happy union with my family member.  I prefer a King Edward to a Prince Albert as I find the starch heals the wounds far quicker.

• My hear is beginning to beat much faster because I am getting impatient waiting for your reply!

Pardon?

• I am writing this from my friends email address, so make sure you do not reply directly to this email directly. Email me at: Ebba@rtutnation.com only. Because if you don’t use my personal email address then I won’t be able to read your reply and write back to you as I won’t be visiting my friend whos address I am currently using to write you this. It is very important that you get it right. 

I find this very complicated indeed as I am a little slow but I ran it past my man servant whom confirmed that if I didn’t reply back to you then you would not indeed be able to read my reply and then reply back to me so I can read your reply and then respond accordingly.

• Hope to hear from you as soon as possible. Can’t wait to see your reply. 

I too am moist at the prospect.

Love and hugs,

Jimmy Changga

The Return of Tom Silva!

Hot from my mailbox is this little nugget from my dear old mate Tom Silva. He took the bait from last Wednesday and has at least responded but unfortunately not quite in the manner that I’d hoped for. It’s all a little bit too generic you see. I shall endeavor to evoke a better response this time.

Take two:

• Dear Friend,

  Thanks for your response to my email and your assurance that i can rely on you.

Tom. For you, anything. I feel we have now moved on to the brotherly stage and I know that it won’t be long before I can nurture you with my financial teat.

• Please i will want you to understand my situation better, for now to say it in the short form it has been a very bitter tale, from the death of my father to the maltreatment i have been receiving from my relatives who have been envious of my parents because they were not well-to-do as my parents were, for that reason they are hostile at me.

Jealousy is at the root of all hostility. I never allow my roots to show and using techniques that are “just for men” I can keep them that way!

• I am entrusting the only left hope into your care, the rest of my parents properties have been taken by my wicked uncle who is even seeking my life. My father put the money in a portfolio which is kept in a finance trust for safety this is my joy and reason to be alive since you can understand the life here is very hard.

I had a wicked uncle once who kept me locked in a tower until I had spun him a yarn of infinite testosterone. He hurt me deepr than you can imagine.

• Before i give you details of the portfolio and the finance trust i will want to know more about you if you do not mind. Kindly tell me, what you do for a living, about your family, if you are married and how many children have you? This is just to know you better.

As I explained in my mail last week I own and operate many businesses, which I run under the cover of my day job which sees me packing fudge for Cadbury’s. I have been married 3 times and I love all my wives very much. We all live together in a lovely big bungalow happily practicing the art of polygamy. Between us we have 11 children, many of which have an above average IQ. Willfred is probably the most special child due to his extremely happy nature which is surprising as he has a excessive amount of extra nipples located on his inner thigh. We love him just the same.

• Well to give you more details i will first like to let you know that i have planned coming over to your country to settle down with this money for investment and as well further my education. The money right now as i write to you is in the finance trust where my father deposited it before his death. I am an orphan so i would want you to stand as guardian to safely get the portfolio claimed from the finance trust then after the portfolio has been claimed make arrangement for me to come over to meet you. The reason i need your help is because of the agreement my father had with the finance trust which is that the portfolio should be released to a foreigner as he planned using it for investment abroad, so i am not able to claim the portfolio without your assistant.

My assistant, Mr. Jingles is available for an extra fee. I can contact him if you like, maybe we could have a conference call together?

• Kindly call me on the telephone +22508846869 so that we can discuss more, it is important that you call me upon receiving this mail.

I hear your urgency and I tried ringing the number a couple of times but unfortunately all I got was the speaking clock and the second time I tried I could smell a strong day-old deposit which made me feel rather queasy I’m afraid so I gave up.

Tom, I feel your urgency but I must tell you my time on this world is drawing to an end and if I do not help you soon I really do think it will all be in vain.

Help me to help you.

Yours,

Billy Bigelow